He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
