home. puking in laundry basket.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am one with the molecules
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
