Welp...herpes.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And then he peed in my hair
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