my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
