peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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