guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
