I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
