TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
