They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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