I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
