mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
