the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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