...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
