I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
