his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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