Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
