Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
