woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
