M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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