we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
