did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
