discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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