I wish I could teleport
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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