someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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