you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
