Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
