Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
