i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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