At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
