She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
