Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
