Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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