some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
