At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
