Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
