dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
