then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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