one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
