Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
