my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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