Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
