I'm so fucking centered right now
You just made me feel so damn special
i permit you to call me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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