Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
