he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
