nut hugger
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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