Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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