i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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