I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
