Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
