Betty ford says i'm here all night
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
