dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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