so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
