The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
