I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
