I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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