We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
