Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
